Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses. 

I'm not married. also not engaged. 

I'm just someone with a looooot of thoughts. And after attending two weddings this month, here goes another personal blog post. 

Weddings are so darn beautiful, man.

I’m not one to cry during events but seeing the magic and beauty of weddings up close: being surrounded by happy and supportive (and some nervous) guests, the slow songs that fit really well during the special moments, the smiles and precious tears amongst the family, hearing the vows shared by the couple and the look of love between them… it made me tear up. 

Before the wedding

We stayed at Vendali, which is in Bulacan. The entire family bonded through eating good food, playing cards, drinking coffee and some went swimming. And by 10 P.M, we started preparing for the things we needed for the pictorial and of course, for the big event. 

It was busy. Yep. Everyone was busy.

I only slept for 2 hours - it’s a good thing that I’m quite used to staying late and not getting loooong hours of sleep. Makeup prep started around 1 A.M, pictorial started around 3 A.M-ish, we were at the church by 7:30, I think? Then the ceremony started around 8 A.M. 

The wedding

I did wonder about what the others felt before and during the day. Of course, everyone’s excited and everyone’s been looking forward to this moment, especially the couple. And they’re probably nervous too. (Well, I was quite nervous. I’m not even the one who’s getting married, why am I nervous? hahaha) 

Or maybe I was nervous because it was my first time being a bridesmaid. (Is anyone else out there who’s getting married soon? I volunteer as a bridesmaid. 😗)

As an observer, I had a moment to appreciate the structure and the intricate designs around the church - and also what the wedding coordinators and the couple picked. Maybe I’ll talk about it more in a little while… or maybe I’ll just talk about it in a draft. 

I didn’t have my phone or camera with me during the ceremony. So enjoy these quick snaps I took towards the end, before we went to the venue where the reception was held. 

the bridesmaids

The Reception

I couldn't help but continuously gush over how beautiful the event was. 

Similar to what I said earlier, I really appreciate the designs, details and every bit of the wedding. It was soooo special. 

The event started with the host's introduction, then followed by a quick game, which were questions about the couple. Then followed by the entrance of the newly wed - oh gosh, they are so cute. I won't dive in with most details for now.

Another thing I was nervous about was the portion for both groomsmen and bridesmaids. It has been mentioned a few months or weeks ago, how we (girls) would be dancing. HAHAHA well... I'm definitely not a dancer. 

first time to try the cocktail. 😋

Food was good too. Then watched the wedding traditions - yep, the audience were in tears again. 🥹

After the event, we stayed at Balay ni Rosa, which was also in Bulacan. Everyone was tired that when we got in our rooms, we all took a nap. hahaha! 

But ah… You can say that this was definitely added to my core memories. And I am definitely looking forward for more family events.  

I was so touched and inspired that I already picked out some of the songs I'd love to hear when the time comes. (Yes, I made a Spotify playlist already.) 

This is Present-Nikka speaking -- or typing. 

Like all my other blog posts and letters to myself, I always talk about my realizations and the hard lessons I learned. I feel a lot better whenever I open up or talk about random stuff - whether to a friend, or a piece of paper, or even to a random app or site like this. 

I learned a lot of things for the past few months. I mean, I did a loooot of thinking - or as some would say, I was  only overthinking .

I could say that I woke up from a very long dream. A dream so blurry that I couldn't really see the other details I should've paid attention to, or I couldn't see because I'm not looking at the whole picture, or I was just too invested in the events and things that I used to consider great. 

Now, I'm taking a huge step. 

I don't want to keep having these negative emotions. I don't want to waste more time thinking badly about myself, I don't want to be influenced by others on how they view me and I don't want to let others decide how I am as a person. again. I don't want the negative things to have such an effect on me for a long time.

Their actions and their words towards you is a reflection of who they are. Those are not something you should measure yourself with because.... spoiler alert: This is your life and you decide your own worth. Not them.

Healing and getting over something takes a really long time. It's not always easy. There are little reminders that could sting you at random times. There are some things you just can't shrug off. There are still emotions that pop up randomly too. There are still a lot of never-ending questions that you never really got a direct response/explanation.

It sucks. I know. 

But I guess... that's life.

And for life lately, well... a lot of things happened. 

A lot of unexpected events: some chapters ended, some bridges burned and some tables turned. 

But there were also places you never thought you'd visit that soon, concerts that your younger self dreamed of going to, beautiful moments that no phone or any type of camera can capture, seasons that you thought you wouldn't be experiencing so soon , your growth (personality and career-wise) from the past few months, and the most genuine connections. And I want you to focus on those great things, yourself. (Currently writing about these as I speak... or type. lol)

I know, I know. I'm not one to forget easily. (don't give me that look. haha) But we can use that "skill" of yours. It can be a huge help for some moments… I guess. 

Well... with that being said, I am still learning from my mistakes - for the things I let in, the things I shrugged off most times, the things I shouldn't have a tight grip on and the things that are out of my hands. I'm still working on myself and actually "feeling" everything - so when the time comes, I am free from whatever that's been haunting me. 

With all the tears you've shed for the past few months and weeks... do know that it's going to be better. (psst. It did get better.) You might feel like it's taking too long but I'm sure that you'll be fine. :) 

Past self , it's almost 2025. 

I could say that you've improved a lot. You did so much and you did so well. You had a lot of things ticked off your bucket list this year. I know, 2024 is a rollercoaster ride. 

I'm writing this now, with some thoughts in mind. This is a small reminder of how true and selfless you were (/are). There are great things in life that await you. 

As they all say, there's always a rainbow after a huge storm. 

Create more memories, replace those that made you feel bad. Surround yourself with love and remove all those negative things that don't serve you joy. Don't worry too much, it's going to be figured out. You'll be fine. :) 

Merry Christmas! 

And let's be much better for the coming year.

Welcome home .

And it hits you. for the nth time.

So many thoughts, so many new experiences and it all leads to feeling like a lot of things in my life have been aligned. (Or is starting to.)

If a certain situation did not happen, maybe I wouldn't get to experience this side of life. Maybe I would spend years  only dreaming about this. 

Maybe I would have gotten stuck or lost.

Maybe I wouldn't have grown. Maybe I didn't get to realize a lot of things because well... you can't really see everything up close. 

Maybe I would've only focused on someone else's dreams or interests, rather than mine. Maybe they really didn't think of mine (my dreams, my thoughts, the path I was taking, my love and well... my whole self) as something just as important as theirs.

Maybe I would've only listened to their opinions rather than my heart (and my mind. or my imagination, as others would've probably described it.)

Or maybe I probably would've suppressed my feelings or stories a lot more. the usual. 

Or maybe I would've spent years wondering about the what ifs.

Well... everything you lose is a step you take. (Thank you, Taylor Swift)

I love talking about the most random things in life. I love talking about what I saw or some events.

I love sharing stories. (which made me love blogging). I hope when I tell someone about something, it wouldn't have to end up in an argument or something like having someone just do an "oh." or a "thumbs up" reaction on your long ass message about your feelings/stories that would end the conversation quickly.

I love new experiences - even though I'm scared of taking a huge step and I'm scared of huge changes. I love how it helps me "know" and build myself more.

I love growing. I don't want to be "watered down".

I don't want to be belittled. (Best believe I'm still bejeweled . *wink wink*) 

I love supportive and genuine people - I hope to be surrounded by more of them. I love being silly and laugh a lot, I love being around happy people too. and not competitive + negative ones. 

I love having something to look forward to in life. And I love enjoying (and documenting) very moments. (Take the moment and taste it, you've got no reason to be afraid.) (Thank you again, Taylor Swift.)

I am learning to look on the bright side of things as well. It took (or it's taking) me quite a long time but I'm glad to see a huge improvement. (Hope not to jinx it.) 

I think I'm doing better (and way happier) now. (Pls don't jinx it, self.) 

I think I'm finally clean.

4:11 a.m.

Good morning. And I'm going back to sleep. 

See you on my next blog post.

All the love,

Nikka.

--- 

11.21.24 update:

Two days ago, I received some really great news. I feel so blessed, really happy and really really thankful. 💛 

Dear past and future me (and to anyone reading),

I'm updating this blogpost to say that... everything works out. All good things happen to those who wait, those who do their best, those who never lose faith in Him, and those who don't hurt others intentionally.

You're okay. You're now doing so well after the storm you endured and went through for the past few months. 

I hope and wish for more good days. I hope to celebrate with genuine people who love and believe in me after all this time. 

(Note: Before anything else, I just woke up, it's 9 A.M and my thought process is a mess. Enjoy this little messy blogpost for now, will be updating this when I have already collected/organized my thoughts. And will insert photos or videos as soon as possible. haha. sorry, dear reader.)

-- 

This is my first time experiencing the fall season, and I couldn't stop gushing over everything (in my mind lol).

The leaves turning into brown and red, the cold weather (🥶), the beautiful orange hue that touches everything when the sun sets, the smell of the cold and not that polluted air (lol)... I love the details. I love observing. And it's definitely worth babbling about - hence this blogpost.  

I couldn't help but sing All Too Well (the 10 min version) whenever I see the autumn leaves. I couldn't put it in words but everything is way better than what I've imagined. 

I hope to remember this one all too well.

Also, I had so many realizations during the plane ride and also when I was alone in the backseat of the car. So many thoughts that I didn't mind not having internet/data at the time - my esim didn't work at first. hahaha

I was just thinking about how a lot of doors had opened after a huge plot twist in my twenties. (IN MY TWENTIES??? girl, are you 43???) And after I learned to let go of most things - that I didn't notice were a hindrance in my life.

As mentioned somewhere else (not sure which app), but I really felt like I've grown so much - I've learned a lot of lessons (some in a hard way), I'm slowly figuring out what I want in life, I'm still working on my skills when it comes to connecting with others outside my bubble but I could say that I'm doing better... I guess. (Hope I won't jinx this 🥲)

I'm so grateful that I get to experience this and with my family, hopefully there'll be more core memories for me to look back to. I had a short talk with Him before I fell asleep during the ride.

And I think... life indeed got better.

-- 

enjoy this little spotify playlist I created for fall: click here. 

So what am I currently up to lately?

Well, the title says it all. 

I'm bringing in sexy back  exploring and also going back to my hobbies lately. There are a lot of things I put on "hiatus" since I put something else on my top five. (Yes, this is a teeny tiny reference from Taylor Swift's song called "Bejeweled".)

And by the way, I'm going out tonight. (Just another reference from Bejeweled, I'm not going out at this hour. It's midnight.)  

Lately, I've been reading books... Mostly self help-ish books for now, but I have a list of fiction works too! (Big thanks to Pauline!)

I'm halfway through "101 essays that will change the way you think" by Brianna West. I got this from Carlyn, who told me that she'll let me borrow this but surprise surprise, she bought it for me. To be honest, that book got me thinking. (Hahaha punny.)

I'm currently reading "101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties" by Paul Angone.

This book just gave me more questions to ponder about. Kidding aside, it's a really good read. I get to see some things in a different point of view. I'm planning to get my hands on his other book soon. 

And while we're on the topic, I am interested in writing at the moment. I have two novels in mind (and are waiting to come to life), I reopened my other Instagram account which will be a safe space for me to romanticize my life and speak my mind, I'm getting myself back into journaling aaaand of course, this blog. 

I really don't think I should just abandon this one since I spent my teenage years babbling about my activities, adventures and little moments - even if most weren't published. Long story short, Attamarie is a huge part of me. (Well... it should be. lol)

For crafts and art, I've been adding (more) colors to my life. And I've been creating stickers once in a while. I'm helping out my mom with her side hustle. 

When it comes to people, I'm really grateful for my family and friends too. Lookie here, special mention time: Samantha, the B1 to my B2 (🍌), who I've known since 3rd grade and has always been there for me. Natalie and Sophia, my best friends in senior high school. Online friends especially Aalia, Angeli, Pauline and my friends from work too!! 💜

Oh, I haven't mentioned that I went to this 1D event last month, and maaaaan, I felt like I was 14 again. I listened to the old artists I loved, hoping to see them live soon too. (OH. I gotta blog about the Jonas Brothers and Taylor Swift concert I went to earlier this year!!!)

my "lol ur not harry styles" shirt (and new-ish hair)

Mamma mia, here I go again: I'm talking about some of the things that make me happy and things that make me feel alive.

I'm healing myself by going back to the things I love and things I've always wanted to do/experience before. I'm free to do things now. (I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my *bleep*) 

Ending this blog post with another Taylor Swift lyric. :)

I'm the only one of me. Baby, that's the fun of me. (ME HE HE!)