This is Present-Nikka speaking -- or typing. 

Like all my other blog posts and letters to myself, I always talk about my realizations and the hard lessons I learned. I feel a lot better whenever I open up or talk about random stuff - whether to a friend, or a piece of paper, or even to a random app or site like this. 

I learned a lot of things for the past few months. I mean, I did a loooot of thinking - or as some would say, I was  only overthinking .

I could say that I woke up from a very long dream. A dream so blurry that I couldn't really see the other details I should've paid attention to, or I couldn't see because I'm not looking at the whole picture, or I was just too invested in the events and things that I used to consider great. 

Now, I'm taking a huge step. 

I don't want to keep having these negative emotions. I don't want to waste more time thinking badly about myself, I don't want to be influenced by others on how they view me and I don't want to let others decide how I am as a person. again. I don't want the negative things to have such an effect on me for a long time.

Their actions and their words towards you is a reflection of who they are. Those are not something you should measure yourself with because.... spoiler alert: This is your life and you decide your own worth. Not them.

Healing and getting over something takes a really long time. It's not always easy. There are little reminders that could sting you at random times. There are some things you just can't shrug off. There are still emotions that pop up randomly too. There are still a lot of never-ending questions that you never really got a direct response/explanation.

It sucks. I know. 

But I guess... that's life.

And for life lately, well... a lot of things happened. 

A lot of unexpected events: some chapters ended, some bridges burned and some tables turned. 

But there were also places you never thought you'd visit that soon, concerts that your younger self dreamed of going to, beautiful moments that no phone or any type of camera can capture, seasons that you thought you wouldn't be experiencing so soon , your growth (personality and career-wise) from the past few months, and the most genuine connections. And I want you to focus on those great things, yourself. (Currently writing about these as I speak... or type. lol)

I know, I know. I'm not one to forget easily. (don't give me that look. haha) But we can use that "skill" of yours. It can be a huge help for some moments… I guess. 

Well... with that being said, I am still learning from my mistakes - for the things I let in, the things I shrugged off most times, the things I shouldn't have a tight grip on and the things that are out of my hands. I'm still working on myself and actually "feeling" everything - so when the time comes, I am free from whatever that's been haunting me. 

With all the tears you've shed for the past few months and weeks... do know that it's going to be better. (psst. It did get better.) You might feel like it's taking too long but I'm sure that you'll be fine. :) 

Past self , it's almost 2025. 

I could say that you've improved a lot. You did so much and you did so well. You had a lot of things ticked off your bucket list this year. I know, 2024 is a rollercoaster ride. 

I'm writing this now, with some thoughts in mind. This is a small reminder of how true and selfless you were (/are). There are great things in life that await you. 

As they all say, there's always a rainbow after a huge storm. 

Create more memories, replace those that made you feel bad. Surround yourself with love and remove all those negative things that don't serve you joy. Don't worry too much, it's going to be figured out. You'll be fine. :) 

Merry Christmas! 

And let's be much better for the coming year.

Welcome home .