I used to hesitate about using the cutest stickers, so I chose to keep them hidden for years.
I used to hesitate about writing on the prettiest notebooks, so I let them sit on the corner of the shelf just to collect dust.
I used to keep some of my clothes unworn because I thought they should be worn for a better occasion, so I kept them inside the closet for so long that I outgrew them.
I used to save some of my favorite snacks for later, only to forget about how long they had been in the fridge. (Yep, just like how I did not eat the strawberry chocolates that an old crush gave me and my friends at thirteen. lol.)
I used to dread a lot of stuff all the time.
I always looked forward to the end of everything, especially in situations that I'm not fond of or uncomfortable with. I used to feel upset over the littlest things and rant about almost every situation.
I also used to look for exit points so often. Most times, I’d just pass the opportunity to another person when possible. I couldn't keep count of the times I did whatever just to avoid things that stressed me so much.
And it sucks.
It sucks that I chose to avoid it. It sucks that I spent some years a bit ungrateful or not having enough great memories during those times. It sucks that I chose to not experience things because they scared me, or because I didn't want to waste them, or I didn’t want to feel embarrassed, or I didn’t want to be seen as “cringe” or “annoying”, etc. This sounds so shallow, I know. I’ve been told.
Yes, I also cared about how others perceived me. In fact, I cared about it so much.
I also wasn't a fan of the thought that someone/some people would find me cringe for liking or doing stuff. I really don’t like it when someone describes me so negatively, because I get carried away with their exaggerations that I’ll start to question myself. I used to listen to someone else's opinions over my own interests. I put their preferences first and shrugged mine off. I had to shrink myself and had to walk on eggshells for so long... that I couldn't even get those stupid, silly punchlines out of my mouth.
In other words, I don’t want to be "too much" in the eyes of the other people so I settled with a bland version of me.
Even my old journals felt a bit redundant at most parts.
I wrote about how I spent the day, tracking my mood and jotting down the activities I did, which… wasn’t really a lot, especially during the “lockdown era” so it felt like a routine. Sometimes, there were also interesting entries about how upset I was over some situations, adding little doodles as a hint (for me to understand what I was referring to) and of course, some of my vulnerable thoughts. Then I’d call it a day.
Ah… one of the things I regret most was that I didn't live in the present for most parts of my previous years. I was either looking back or wishing for time to go faster. I didn’t do much to see and experience things for myself.
Junior High, I grew older, I wanted to "break free" and experience something new. I couldn't wait to move to another school.
Senior High, it was a great time. But I wanted to meet new people and I couldn't wait to get into college.
College... I missed my old friends so much and how fun those times were. I had a lot of moments and was quite distant from people. I couldn't wait to graduate and get things over with.
During my OJT days and also on my first few months of corporate life, I had a lot of moments where I kept wishing for the week (and certain things) to end. Why? Well… To be honest, I don’t remember.
That was because back then, I was here to just exist.
And that’s not how I want to live (my) life (anymore).
I stopped entertaining the thoughts that someone shoved in my head: the wrong ideas, the unwelcome insults that were often passed as opinions, and of course, my favorite, the invalidation of my feelings. I stopped listening to others who made me feel small and feel bad about myself.
The things that made me nervous and/or scared before, well… they’re not as nerve-racking as I thought. I learned to loosen my grip on things I can’t control. I don’t want to dwell on things or hold grudges for so long.
And I know, I know. I keep saying things like “starting over”, how I’m still growing and still learning, and other stuff like that.
But that was how the past year was for me. I found so many chances to catch up on some of the things I missed out on (or I dropped) during my teenage years and also in my early twenties. It felt like I went back in time just to reintroduce things into my life.
I’ve started to embrace the girl I was — no, let me rephrase that. I have embraced the girl that I am. The one that I’ve known, the one that I’m living for, and the one who had to keep quiet for so long.
I also started paying attention to the spark inside my heart, regardless of how small or big it is, I just know that I shouldn’t ignore that. It was there for a reason.
For the past year… I could say that I’m navigating through life better.
It was definitely the time I got my colors back. and I still want to see more things for myself.
To live or to exist?
I am here to live.
—
I wanted to talk about this for the longest time. I've had this thought for about a year now if I remember correctly… so here we are.
A year ago, I posted a quite long list of observations or realizations I had before my birthday. This time, I don’t think I’ll list another one. I mean, I’ve written pretty much everything about my self reflections up til now, I also did tell you about our adventures, my favorite moments and embraced the things (that people found cringe) in me.
And can I just say… that. feels. so. freeing. (!!!)