I used to hesitate about using the cutest stickers, so I chose to keep them hidden for years.

I used to hesitate about writing on the prettiest notebooks, so I let them sit on the corner of the shelf just to collect dust. 

I used to keep some of my clothes unworn because I thought they should be worn for a better occasion, so I kept them inside the closet for so long that I outgrew them.

I used to save some of my favorite snacks for later, only to forget about how long they had been in the fridge. (Yep, just like how I did not eat the strawberry chocolates that an old crush gave me and my friends at thirteen. lol.)

I used to dread a lot of stuff all the time.

I always looked forward to the end of everything, especially in situations that I'm not fond of or uncomfortable with. I used to feel upset over the littlest things and rant about almost every situation. 

I also used to look for exit points so often. Most times, I’d just pass the opportunity to another person when possible. I couldn't keep count of the times I did whatever just to avoid things that stressed me so much. 

And it sucks.

It sucks that I chose to avoid it. It sucks that I spent some years a bit ungrateful or not having enough great memories during those times. It sucks that I chose to not experience things because they scared me, or because I didn't want to waste them, or I didn’t want to feel embarrassed, or I didn’t want to be seen as “cringe” or “annoying”, etc. This sounds so shallow, I know. I’ve been told.

Yes, I also cared about how others perceived me. In fact, I cared about it so much.

I also wasn't a fan of the thought that someone/some people would find me cringe for liking or doing stuff. I really don’t like it when someone describes me so negatively, because I get carried away with their exaggerations that I’ll start to question myself. I used to listen to someone else's opinions over my own interests. I put their preferences first and shrugged mine off. I had to shrink myself and had to walk on eggshells for so long... that I couldn't even get those stupid, silly punchlines out of my mouth. 

In other words, I don’t want to be "too much" in the eyes of the other people so I settled with a bland version of me. 

Even my old journals felt a bit redundant at most parts.

I wrote about how I spent the day, tracking my mood and jotting down the activities I did, which… wasn’t really a lot, especially during the “lockdown era” so it felt like a routine. Sometimes, there were also interesting entries about how upset I was over some situations, adding little doodles as a hint (for me to understand what I was referring to) and of course, some of my vulnerable thoughts. Then I’d call it a day.

Junior High, I grew older, I wanted to "break free" and experience something new. I couldn't wait to move to another school. 

Senior High, it was a great time. But I wanted to meet new people and I couldn't wait to get into college. 

College... I missed my old friends so much and how fun those times were. I had a lot of moments and was quite distant from people. I couldn't wait to graduate and get things over with. 

During my OJT days and also on my first few months of corporate life, I had a lot of moments where I kept wishing for the week (and certain things) to end. Why? Well… To be honest, I don’t remember. 

That was because back then, I was here to just exist.

And that’s not how I want to live (my) life (anymore).

To live or to exist? 

I am here to live. 

—

I wanted to talk about this for the longest time. I've had this thought for about a year now if I remember correctly… so here we are. 

A year ago, I posted a quite long list of observations or realizations I had before my birthday. This time, I don’t think I’ll list another one. I mean, I’ve written pretty much everything about my self reflections up til now, I also did tell you about our adventures, my favorite moments and embraced the things (that people found cringe) in me. 

And can I just say… that. feels. so. freeing. (!!!)

Right now (well, as I'm writing this), it's Tuesday. I'm looking at someone important. 

He used to be someone who's so busy. But now, comparing to the version of him that I forever remember, there’s a huge difference.

He was the one who gave me one of my favorite books, and a huge penguin plushie that takes so much space in my bed. He loves small talks and cracking jokes with a serious tone. 

Whenever we come and see him, I notice the little habits, some actions and some stories... he reminds me so much of my grandma.

And speaking of, can you believe that it has already been four years since I lost both of my grandmas? Where has the time gone to?

I sometimes can't believe how long ago it was. But if we were to pay attention to the days that they weren't in their bedroom, either playing solitaire or watching tv, or how many holidays had passed that they weren't around... man.

I got so lost in my thoughts earlier that somehow reminded me of a certain part from a book I finished earlier last month (July). It was Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. 

Sometimes, I get these little moments wherein I feel like I need to sit down for a few minutes - to acknowledge or grieve over some memories, some people, some paths we can no longer cross, some old versions and ideas. 

The pain doesn't really go away, no? 

Maybe we learned to handle our emotions or maybe we learned to accept it (which could be even better).

Time goes on, and so do we.

We can't really stay and keep holding on to the past, right? How can we live in the present? 

But don't get me wrong though. That doesn't mean we should pack it up and forget about everything. Like I've said, acknowledge. 

Ah, wait wait. Lightbulb moment.

This reminds me of another part of the book. Let me drop it here. 

While I was reading, I couldn’t help but write a few notes under these lines, hence the little circles and highlighted chunks. This was one of the chapters that made me stop reading to let it sink in. 

Anyway, like Morrie said, “Detach.”

But before that, you must experience everything that needs (or demands) to be felt. You can’t detach if that thought/feeling is something foreign or something you never wanted to dive deeply into. 

How will you know and be able to move forward if in the first place, you didn’t give it enough attention?

It's alright to give in. 

Go on, recognize the heavy emotions.

Treat these feelings as visitors paying a quick visit to drop a gift - it could be an answer, a chance to cherish a certain event, another realization, a challenge or maybe it could be something that may come in handy in the future. 

Acknowledge then move forward.

***

The originally “quick update” for my blog became another lengthy read.

I think I could go on and talk about how much Tuesdays with Morrie had struck me. I can actually see myself reading this again in the future. Not only because it’s my current favorite, but because of the lessons. 

I had my hands on this book when I was in eighth grade but I never got to actually finish it. (Now that I think of it, the author had visited the PH a couple of times. There were also book signings held. 😭 Ahhh!)

My bad. I guess I was more interested in sci-fi and romance novels when I was younger. (I also had a copy of chicken soup for the soul for teens... which I also never got to read much back then.) (And yes, I regret that.)

And while we're on the topic, I have also finished Five People You Meet in Heaven (also by Mitch Albom), Strange Pictures, and Strange Houses (both by Uketsu.)

From self-help, to devotional, then non-fiction, then exploring Japanese lit and somehow falling back to chicklit. I’m planning to read Seven Year Slip by Ashley Poston now. 💛 

Happy August! 🩶

I revisited my old self again.

I saw her in our bedroom, she's hugging her pillow after kicking a huge plushie off the bed. 

Her long, black hair was in a bun - as usual. She was silently scrolling on her phone and didn't get up until it was noon. Well, like always, she'll definitely regret it in a bit once her head starts pounding. But we can't really blame her, she got off late from work. again. 

She was quiet but during this time, there's about thousands of thoughts that's been bugging her, thousands of questions that were left hanging and thousands of items to work on. 

If I could turn back time (and not scare my old self for popping out of the blue), I'd comfort her and tell her the things I know now.

It was a tough time. I know, I've been there. (Very funny.)

I was in the office again today,

I had a glimpse of what happened and how I was back then. And funny enough, the weather was also gloomy. 

There were visible differences though. Like... well... I wasn't as busy and drained as before (is it a yay or a nay?), my hair is currently gray-fading-into-blonde (again hehe), and I feel free and calmer now. 

My old self forgot a lot of things, or maybe it was shoved in the back of her mind. But I guess I can now say that she was quite optimistic - even at the worst times; she was someone who always fought and hoped for the best. 

Back then, I almost lost my colors and my "muchiness" (as Alice and the Mad Hatter talked about in the movie), I almost lost my voice and I lost focus on what matters more.

Regardless of age, I wrote so much about what's currently going on in my life. I get to see things differently as time passes; I get to laugh at a loooot of dumb moments or maybe get upset about how I realized most things a bit late. (As the saying goes, "Better late than never".) 

I had a looooot of rewiring to do; a lot of things I had to unlearn, things I had to drop and let go, thoughts to ignore, dates to erase, comments and opinions to shake off, and some other things that I now consider "nonsense". 

I've talked to people. I've talked to strangers. I've heard about some things and I've dreamt about some other stuff. (Yup, talk about strange coincidences.)

And I realized... that's how it is.

The answers I was looking for were always in front of me. 

The dedication I have for growth and my desire to learn were also always here; I just didn't have to listen to that voice. I didn't have to trust the twisted words and to take it straight to heart, like they wanted me to.

I still rant a lot. I talk/write a lot. Hence the lengthy posts. 

I get to enjoy (and experience) the things I loved and hoped for when I was younger. I get to enjoy moments with others.

I still get to dream more and live life. I'm even more open to try a lot of things lately. (Anyone wanna try scuba diving? lol) (Kidding aside, I also really wanna try solo traveling.)

I'm looking forward to what the next few weeks, months, or year(s) has in store for me.

But ah... Finally free. 

Finally clean.