I used to hesitate about using the cutest stickers, so I chose to keep them hidden for years.

I used to hesitate about writing on the prettiest notebooks, so I let them sit on the corner of the shelf just to collect dust. 

I used to keep some of my clothes unworn because I thought they should be worn for a better occasion, so I kept them inside the closet for so long that I outgrew them.

I used to save some of my favorite snacks for later, only to forget about how long they had been in the fridge. (Yep, just like how I did not eat the strawberry chocolates that an old crush gave me and my friends at thirteen. lol.)

I used to dread a lot of stuff all the time.

I always looked forward to the end of everything, especially in situations that I'm not fond of or uncomfortable with. I used to feel upset over the littlest things and rant about almost every situation. 

I also used to look for exit points so often. Most times, I’d just pass the opportunity to another person when possible. I couldn't keep count of the times I did whatever just to avoid things that stressed me so much. 

And it sucks.

It sucks that I chose to avoid it. It sucks that I spent some years a bit ungrateful or not having enough great memories during those times. It sucks that I chose to not experience things because they scared me, or because I didn't want to waste them, or I didn’t want to feel embarrassed, or I didn’t want to be seen as “cringe” or “annoying”, etc. This sounds so shallow, I know. I’ve been told.

Yes, I also cared about how others perceived me. In fact, I cared about it so much.

I also wasn't a fan of the thought that someone/some people would find me cringe for liking or doing stuff. I really don’t like it when someone describes me so negatively, because I get carried away with their exaggerations that I’ll start to question myself. I used to listen to someone else's opinions over my own interests. I put their preferences first and shrugged mine off. I had to shrink myself and had to walk on eggshells for so long... that I couldn't even get those stupid, silly punchlines out of my mouth. 

In other words, I don’t want to be "too much" in the eyes of the other people so I settled with a bland version of me. 

Even my old journals felt a bit redundant at most parts.

I wrote about how I spent the day, tracking my mood and jotting down the activities I did, which… wasn’t really a lot, especially during the “lockdown era” so it felt like a routine. Sometimes, there were also interesting entries about how upset I was over some situations, adding little doodles as a hint (for me to understand what I was referring to) and of course, some of my vulnerable thoughts. Then I’d call it a day.

Junior High, I grew older, I wanted to "break free" and experience something new. I couldn't wait to move to another school. 

Senior High, it was a great time. But I wanted to meet new people and I couldn't wait to get into college. 

College... I missed my old friends so much and how fun those times were. I had a lot of moments and was quite distant from people. I couldn't wait to graduate and get things over with. 

During my OJT days and also on my first few months of corporate life, I had a lot of moments where I kept wishing for the week (and certain things) to end. Why? Well… To be honest, I don’t remember. 

That was because back then, I was here to just exist.

And that’s not how I want to live (my) life (anymore).

To live or to exist? 

I am here to live. 

—

I wanted to talk about this for the longest time. I've had this thought for about a year now if I remember correctly… so here we are. 

A year ago, I posted a quite long list of observations or realizations I had before my birthday. This time, I don’t think I’ll list another one. I mean, I’ve written pretty much everything about my self reflections up til now, I also did tell you about our adventures, my favorite moments and embraced the things (that people found cringe) in me. 

And can I just say… that. feels. so. freeing. (!!!)