07/04/2024

Wow. . . time flies. We’re already halfway through the year 2024. The last time I published something on this blog was back in 2020. So yeah, I guess I could say that it’s been quite a while. 

To be honest, this is going to be (another) quite personal post. I hope I’m making sense with whatever I’ll be talking about. So, whoever is reading this… hi. If it’s my future self, well… hello. I hope you’re doing well and I hope you’re finally the better version of Nikka Marie. :)

The past few weeks have been uncomfortable for me. Hm, or maybe this was the uncomfiest I’ve been. I’ve been stressed for a few months and I’ve got a lot of stuff going on inside my head - questions, thoughts, the never ending “what ifs” and “could’ve beens”, what does the future hold for me, am I on the right path, and a lot more. 

It’s like you’re suddenly somewhere in the forest and you’re bad at directions. You had a map back then but unfortunately, that map isn’t that readable anymore as it got torn to pieces - because of the rain. How do I get out? Or how can I get out?

Do you wait for people to look for you? Do you scream until you’re heard and someone finds you? Well, you can scream for help. Asking for help is good too.

Guess what? You forgot something, self.

You’re good at remembering details. And you pay attention to a lot of things.

And that’s one of the things I like about me. 

—

I spent the past hour reading my old blog posts and the drafts I wrote when I was holding on to some strong feelings back in 2016-2019. Reading my old blogs got me thinking much more, to be honest. I’m glad I got to write about most things.

Nikka during her early teenage years was always someone unique. She’s intimidating, I’d say. She’s strong, she’s creative, she’s witty, she’s openminded, she’s not afraid to say what’s on her mind and she knows who she is. She started blogging and writing stories online at this age. She’s nice but she can be harsh, and man, she can fight. She’s got quite a temper, and it’s quite obvious if she doesn’t like someone or something. 

If I could describe her using a color, I’d say she’s. . . probably purple? Or a darker shade of pink? 

But I did notice that there were a few changes in my late teenage years. 

At 16 and 17, this Nikka was exposed to a large number of people in class. She chose a different path and that was a great decision. She made friends, she went out of her bubble (well, I’d say). She didn’t feel like her new classmates and schoolmates found her intimidating, which was good. I could approach others with ease and I showed my heart on my sleeve. (wow.) 

She’s still shy but she’s open to meet new people and connect with them. She’s still creative, but she stopped writing stories and had less time to draw. She’s still witty, she laughs a lot more. She fell in love and also cherished a lot of people. She’s selfless. She’s nice and she doesn’t like conflict. She’s warm but somehow became too “soft”. She changed in so many ways that I can’t really explain. She gets upset but forgives and forgets about it too easily. She’s a thinker. She always tries to understand everything. She hates blaming herself and hates being blamed. She doesn’t like making mistakes and making others feel bad —  she hates that. Like everyone, she hates every negative thing. And kinda it sucks because she remembers stuff all too well.

Now, if I could describe her with a color, well. . . I don’t think there’s an exact color to describe this kid. Maybe anything in pastel and soft colors would fit her. She’s too “colorful” to be described with just one color. Sabi nga sakin, naglalakad na pastel color ako eh. 

Moving forward, we have 18-19 year old Nikka. Oh man, where do I start?

At this age, she went through a lot - both good and bad. There were messy thoughts, messy events, messy feelings and… a messy desk. Plus, college came in the picture. 

Being a new kid in a big university was really scary. New people, new place and somehow, a new life. She made a few friends and was exposed to different people. She became more introverted and sensed that some found her intimidating. She was alone, but not that lonely. She was at peace with her “me time”. Maybe it’s just her not being able to control her facial reactions or maybe she just wasn’t that comfortable (yet). She wasn’t that confident at this time, due to a lot of reasons. (sigh)

There were thoughts about the path she took - Is this really what I want? Was that person right about me not being a perfect “fit” in this field and place? What if I was a Multimedia Arts student? Would I excel in this field? What if they were right? What if I was wrong? What if this is not the right place? What if this isn’t for me?

And as hectic as college was, she still managed to balanced real life and her love for art. 

She found herself little by little and through different forms. She’s still and will always be creative. She knows her limits. She knows and accepted her weaknesses, she tries (/is still trying) to work on it. She can fight and stand up for herself at times, but she’s still too “soft” for all of it. She knows when to distance herself. She became more of a thinker. She’s more understanding at this age - or she tries harder to understand things more. She expresses herself better through art or writing. 

Her definition of love and life has always been the same. Trying to look at the positive side as always, even though a lot of things happened. Trying to work things out and improve. I guess this Nikka was definitely a yellow… butterscotch yellow. Not too dark, not too dull and not too light. 

And now we have Nikka in her early 20s. Ganap na adult na tayo.

I won’t dive into details about what I do but hey, I got a job connected to the course I took in college! :D 

I started working 4 months after my graduation because I waited for this opportunity. I prayed for this and now, I’m here. I’m growing and I’ve been working hard. (Wow, re-reading that sentence makes me SO proud of myself) And I get to treat myself and my loved ones. I get to help out as well, try and eat good food, experience new things and save up. But still, there’s more to life. 

In this age, I lost some people in my life. Of course, you get sad over these events… but you can always cherish the moments you spent with them - whether it was eating peanut butter and jelly sandwich with them, opening up to them about your old crush while they were knitting, seeing them dance every Christmas and birthdays, being with them at the mall with the rest of the family, visiting them, sharing books and interests, listening to certain artists or playing video games, or maybe even as simple as sitting next to them. 

I also lost time for doing activities that make me… “me”. I miss having time to create digital art, I miss reading books, I miss painting, I miss cooking a certain dish, I miss writing (hopefully I get to blog more after this) and a lot more. Hopefully one of these days, I get to do it all again. I just need time. and energy. 

I’m not sure if I could describe my current self using a color. Lately, I’ve been feeling greige and red, as I’m still a work in process and I feel every single emotion too intensely. 

I’m still working on my strengths and weaknesses. I still can’t and won’t dance but I can play the piano and kalimba. I’m a listener, a thinker but still not much of a talker. I’m still that introvert but I’ll get there. (Look at me surviving 5+ hours straight meetings. lol) I get stressed out but I’m learning. I get confused and tired too but I’m growing. I know that I did and I am doing my best. I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection and realizing a lot of things. I’ve always been selfless. I’m understanding and I care a lot. I have a lot of feelings. I am full of love and I will continue giving my heart to my favorite people.

And of course, me. 

I guess that’s it. This is a reaaaaaaaallllyyyyyyy looooooooooong reflection. Ending this blog post now. :)

If you got stuck in the middle of the nowhere, try looking back. Trace your steps until you find your way out. 

How did you get here in the first place? 

You walked. 

- Nikka.

P.S. nikka marie, proofread mo ito next time. antok na ako. lol.