I revisited my old self again.

I saw her in our bedroom, she's hugging her pillow after kicking a huge plushie off the bed. 

Her long, black hair was in a bun - as usual. She was silently scrolling on her phone and didn't get up until it was noon. Well, like always, she'll definitely regret it in a bit once her head starts pounding. But we can't really blame her, she got off late from work. again. 

She was quiet but during this time, there's about thousands of thoughts that's been bugging her, thousands of questions that were left hanging and thousands of items to work on. 

If I could turn back time (and not scare my old self for popping out of the blue), I'd comfort her and tell her the things I know now.

It was a tough time. I know, I've been there. (Very funny.)

I was in the office again today,

I had a glimpse of what happened and how I was back then. And funny enough, the weather was also gloomy. 

There were visible differences though. Like... well... I wasn't as busy and drained as before (is it a yay or a nay?), my hair is currently gray-fading-into-blonde (again hehe), and I feel free and calmer now. 

My old self forgot a lot of things, or maybe it was shoved in the back of her mind. But I guess I can now say that she was quite optimistic - even at the worst times; she was someone who always fought and hoped for the best. 

Back then, I almost lost my colors and my "muchiness" (as Alice and the Mad Hatter talked about in the movie), I almost lost my voice and I lost focus on what matters more.

Regardless of age, I wrote so much about what's currently going on in my life. I get to see things differently as time passes; I get to laugh at a loooot of dumb moments or maybe get upset about how I realized most things a bit late. (As the saying goes, "Better late than never".) 

I had a looooot of rewiring to do; a lot of things I had to unlearn, things I had to drop and let go, thoughts to ignore, dates to erase, comments and opinions to shake off, and some other things that I now consider "nonsense". 

I've talked to people. I've talked to strangers. I've heard about some things and I've dreamt about some other stuff. (Yup, talk about strange coincidences.)

And I realized... that's how it is.

The answers I was looking for were always in front of me. 

The dedication I have for growth and my desire to learn were also always here; I just didn't have to listen to that voice. I didn't have to trust the twisted words and to take it straight to heart, like they wanted me to.

I still rant a lot. I talk/write a lot. Hence the lengthy posts. 

I get to enjoy (and experience) the things I loved and hoped for when I was younger. I get to enjoy moments with others.

I still get to dream more and live life. I'm even more open to try a lot of things lately. (Anyone wanna try scuba diving? lol) (Kidding aside, I also really wanna try and be a solo traveler.)

I'm looking forward to what the next few weeks, months, or year(s) has in store for me.

But ah... Finally free. 

Finally clean. 

2023

March 9, 2024: The day.

 

cheesy fries and hot & spicy popcorn chicken

I've run out of witty captions and titles but my heart is full. :) 

I loooove going out every weekend - not to party or anything (lol). I look forward to eating something good, spending time with my family and friends, treating them a little something, and of course, getting off work & recharging for the upcoming week. 

It's nice when the week passes and I've been quite productive, I was able to finish a lot of things. I've been more confident in my skills, I'd say. I still have those moments where everything seems new to me at work and I'm experiencing another "learning curve" but I feel... great. (pls pls pls don't jinx it, shoo shoo negative energy) 

This March, I've got some new memories to look back to, some thoughts that make me want to write a novel about (again), and a lot of things (and people) to be thankful for.

(Did I mention that I've been practicing my driving skills? Thanks, mom and dad!! And guess what? I can even parallel park. :p)

March 8th, Saturday,

I spent the first Saturday with my mom, my aunt and my cousin to watch the pyromusical. But we went to a different mall instead lol. :)

March 9th, Sunday,

I was out with Natalie, my best friend since senior high school. We bonded through coffee and chicken wings. :p 

Natalie is someone you’d love to hang out with, whether it’s bonding through drinks, watching movies or going to karaoke and arcades, or maybe even just walking around the mall. There’s never a dull moment for me. Being with her makes me feel like I’m still a happy, carefree teenager. We can be silly, we can talk, laugh and joke about anything, until our eyes tear up or our jaws hurt from all the laughing. It’s crazy how fast time flies… now, we’re currently 25 years old. 

We often talk about our senior high school days and the great memories we had together. I’ve been writing about it for quite a while now and maybe I’d share it someday so I can talk about it more… well, once it’s done. (I’m currently listening to Ribs by Lorde. Maaaaan, this song fits so well.) 

Natalie, if you ever see this, edi hello. 🤪 

March 15th, Saturday,

I finally met Pauline!!! We’ve been (internet) friends since we were in college and I could say that we got closer because of our interests, art and writings. And here we are, seven years later, we finally had the chance to meet/see each other personally. :)

Pauline is the friend that you feel safe and cozy with. There’s this pau-sitive (see what i did there haha) aura around her. She’s so full of light, so warm, so smart and so sweet. I adore how approachable she is, it's so easy to connect with her. Like I’ve said, this is our first meeting, but I feel very comfortable already. 

We spent the day at the mall. We ate at Peri-Peri (it was so goooood), went to stationery stores, the arcade and the bookstore. Then had avocado ice cream before going home. (it was good too! ;-;) We talked about certain things, music and kdramas, books… I really adore how open-minded she is. :)

Oh! She gave me pretty flowers! Which reminded me of the kdrama she recommended, 2521, the scene where Hee Do and Yu Rim met for the first time. 

Ah... I hope to meet and bond with her again soon. :) 

March 16th, Sunday,

My mom and I went to church in the morning. :)

And around 2 in the afternoon, I was with my best friend, Samantha. We went to two cafés to catch-up, to "play" the Comfort Cards, and of course, to enjoy good food.

Sam is my best friend. I've known her for... let me count... 16-ish years? We've been friends since the 3rd grade and had our "cool off"/distant moments back in middle school. And eventually got in touch again around 9th grade. 

We also went to the same school for Senior High. We used to bond by eating out at the mall after class and basically, talking about life and little moments. 

Years had passed, but it never changed. We never changed. :') 

Sam's one of the strongest people I know. She's like an older sister to me. Her maturity, her mind, her strength and her soft heart are some of the things that'll definitely leave a mark on you. 

I love how we can be free, honest, supportive and transparent with one another. I love how there's no judgement for every thought spilled. I love how low maintenance we are and how deep our connection is...

Ah.. I love our friendship. (I could go on babbling about this. ;-;)

The next weekend(s), well.... I was catching up zzzs and did some (junk) journaling. I've also been reading The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins, which is a prequel to The Hunger Games trilogy. I loved the movie and am looking forward to read Haymitch's story in Sunrise on the Reaping. 

It feels so good to still be in touch with the activities, movies and books that I loved since I was younger. 

I had some (nice) thoughts in mind... I wasn't alone nor lonely. I never was. 

Before, I was too focused on something else, who/which made me feel and think so. My bad. We shouldn't dwell on the negative moments.

It also reminded me of a quote by Esther Earl, a girl I used to read about - thanks to John Green. 

"Just be happy, and if you can't be happy, do things that make you happy. Or do nothing with the people that make you happy."

Ah... I am so grateful for my friends. I'm happy to meet and be surrounded by these amazing people. I realized a lot while I was writing on my journal and after answering the comfort cards with Sam. 

I am looking forward to meet a few more soon!! I hope we get to schedule perfectly. 🤞🏻

Year 2018.

I was a freshman. 

I was an Information Technology student. I was referred to as that shy girl with braces during the first two years of college... Paolo told me about it.

For the first few days of class, I did my best to be less introverted. I remember initiating a small talk with Jenina during the orientation... I really felt nice when she brought it up in the conversation, I saw that as an accomplishment. haha

I guess I somehow keep losing the "confidence" of going out of my bubble whenever someone tells me that I'm too quiet. I don't blame them though, it was my fault that I took it as a bad thing. I felt like being soft and quiet is a weakness I'll never get over.

quick snap taken in 2018.

Another thing I had in mind was the thoughts and doubts of my own skills. 

I was torn between taking up Information Technology or Multimedia Arts for college. 

I wanted to create different forms of art and I wanted to be an animator. But at the same time, I feel like I would've wasted two years of education if I chose that path...

I used to talk about it to this person. As a girl who remembers every tiny detail in life, I could never forget the words they used in our conversation. This is a reminder to choose your words wisely.

They told me that this course I took was not meant for me and I am not a great fit for this path. (Ouch.)

They asked me why did I choose this path. And told me that if I don't have any inspiration, I'm definitely bound to have a hard time. (Very reassuring, I know.)

They told me that interest is different from passion. (True.) And I should be wise in choosing as it would affect my future. (Also true.)

I used to walk around the campus by myself, by choice. I do that to organize my thoughts and to get ready for the next classes, especially if it's those certain classes wherein the professor randomly picks a student to present. (I'm always the lucky one who gets called so... you probably get my point by now.) 

If I'm not strolling around, you'll probably find me doodling (or taking a nap 😆) in the library or in the chapel. When I couldn’t sit still or am too worried about some moments, I found peace inside the chapel.

The Chapel. Photo taken around 2019.

My usual seat. Photo taken around 2019.

Year 2019.

I got out of my shell little by little when I exposed my creative side. This was the year I got back to my art roots, and I felt supported by the people around me. :) I'm so grateful.

I had this quick conversation with my Rizal subj professor. He saw me doodling and complimented my work. He also asked me to draw him so that he can have an artwork made by me... something he can brag about in the future since he sees a bright one for me. :((((( 

Of course, I gotta talk about the swimming classes too. 

Photo taken on our last day of swimming classes :p

To be very honest, this was one of the classes that I did not look forward to ever since I got into the university. I was too scared. 

But I have to survive: I did my best to not drown every session and I did my best to get good grades. 

I'm really grateful for my classmates for helping me out. Especially to my friend who waited for me when I got the sermon of my life while I was doing back strokes across the pool. (It sounds funny, I know. 🥲) I appreciate you/them a lot... I don't think I got the chance to tell them personally. 

Year 2020-2022.

The pandemic happened. 

no filter. i love how this quick snap turned out

This was the last memory I have before classes were suspended and before lockdown. This was after P.E class and we were about to go home.

The years passed too quickly as the classes were only held online. Sayang din because I was already in my third year. I wanted to meet my new classmates. I wanted to meet new people.

After two years of onsite classes, the next time I was in the university was… for our grad pictorial. (if I remember correctly) 🥲

Fast forward to 2022, I was applying for internship in this great company. I'd say my application went well and was offered for a job. I was ecstatic!!! 

But... I couldn't jump to that position yet, graduation was a few months away and I needed 300 hours to render for the internship.

Long story short, I applied to a different company wherein we mostly handled web development and PHP related activities. :)

And I graduated college!

BIT11's shy girl with braces, out! (2022)

since first year

:)

Year 2025. 

January.

We went to the university to get my yearbook before going to my uncle's house. 

I was excited to drop by. I saw it as a chance to appreciate the past, hence the blog post.

I had so much thoughts, so much memories and so much feelings. These were some of the things I have in mind:

"This was where we used to drink coffee, eat kwek kwek and fries." 

"This was where I used to eat noodles!" 

"This was where I used to buy ice scramble!"

"This was the Kulpy Chicken I looked forward eating!" (But didn't get to eat much of it though. 🥲) (And unfortunately, it was closed when we were there :( )

"This is where I wait for the taho!" (Sad... I never got to try the strawberry taho...)

"This is where I took photos for my math assignment... and where I found the pretty butterfly."

"This is where we ran a few laps, and this is where I stayed before swimming classes started."

"This is where I spent most of my vacant hours." 

… I was here again. 

I was standing inside the chapel. I wasn't able to stay for a while, but I'm glad I got to see it again. (This is probably the last time too... I don't think I have any reason to go back to the university.) 

Years ago, I used to sit on the left side, near the window. I didn't really get to attend the masses held there but since it was always open, I got a lot of time to talk to Him. And every time I do, I feel lighter and better.

I had goosebumps thinking about the old times... The situations I was in, how I handled it, how I was back then and now.

Which is basically the reason why I wrote another lengthy blog post... I had realizations over my short-lived college life. 

Though I do have regrets about the two (well... face-to-face) years. I wish I enjoyed my experience more... I wish I didn't have to think about someone else's opinions about me. I should've let it all go. (Just like how I stapled the year 2018 in my old journal. haha.)

But I'm keeping all of these in mind for whatever the future holds for me. And to not repeat the things I did. 

I'm still here reminiscing the old days and am able to feel okay now... You know as they say, time flies and time heals.

I no longer see my softness as a weakness.

Oh and guess what?

I'm currently working as a programmer at the first company I mentioned earlier. I just celebrated my second year anniversary. 

Oh life, you're really full of surprises.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses. 

I'm not married. also not engaged. 

I'm just someone with a looooot of thoughts. And after attending two weddings this month, here goes another personal blog post. 

Weddings are so darn beautiful, man.

I’m not one to cry during events but seeing the magic and beauty of weddings up close: being surrounded by happy and supportive (and some nervous) guests, the slow songs that fit really well during the special moments, the smiles and precious tears amongst the family, hearing the vows shared by the couple and the look of love between them… it made me tear up. 

Before the wedding

We stayed at Vendali, which was in Bulacan. The entire family bonded through eating good food, playing cards, drinking coffee and some went swimming. And by 10 P.M, we started preparing for the things we needed for the pictorial and of course, for the big event. 

It was busy. Yep. Everyone was busy.

I only slept for 2 hours - it’s a good thing that I’m quite used to staying late and not getting loooong hours of sleep. Makeup prep started around 1 A.M, pictorial started around 3 A.M-ish, we were at the church by 7:30, I think? Then the ceremony started around 8 A.M. 

The wedding

I did wonder about what the others felt before and during the day. Of course, everyone’s excited and everyone’s been looking forward to this moment, especially the couple. And they’re probably nervous too. (Well, I was quite nervous. I’m not even the one who’s getting married, why am I nervous? hahaha) 

Or maybe I was nervous because it was my first time being a bridesmaid. (Is anyone else out there who’s getting married soon? I volunteer as a bridesmaid. 😗)

As an observer, I had a moment to appreciate the structure and the intricate designs around the church - and also what the wedding coordinators and the couple picked. Maybe I’ll talk about it more in a little while… or maybe I’ll just talk about it in a draft. 

I didn’t have my phone or camera with me during the ceremony. So enjoy these quick snaps I took towards the end, before we went to the venue where the reception was held. 

the bridesmaids

The Reception

I couldn't help but continuously gush over how beautiful the event was. 

Similar to what I said earlier, I really appreciate the designs, details and every bit of the wedding. It was soooo special. 

The event started with the host's introduction, then followed by a quick game, which were questions about the couple. Then followed by the entrance of the newly wed - oh gosh, they are so cute. I won't dive in with most details for now.

Another thing I was nervous about was the portion for both groomsmen and bridesmaids. It has been mentioned a few months or weeks ago, how we (girls) would be dancing. HAHAHA well... I'm definitely not a dancer. 

first time to try the cocktail. 😋

Food was good too. Then watched the wedding traditions - yep, the audience were in tears again. 🥹

After the event, we stayed at Balay ni Rosa, which was also in Bulacan. Everyone was tired that when we got in our rooms, we all took a nap. hahaha! 

But ah… You can say that this was definitely added to my core memories. And I am definitely looking forward for more family events.  

I was so touched and inspired that I already picked out some of the songs I'd love to hear when the time comes. (Yes, I made a Spotify playlist already.)