I revisited my old self again.

I saw her in our bedroom, she's hugging her pillow after kicking a huge plushie off the bed. 

Her long, black hair was in a bun - as usual. She was silently scrolling on her phone and didn't get up until it was noon. Well, like always, she'll definitely regret it in a bit once her head starts pounding. But we can't really blame her, she got off late from work. again. 

She was quiet but during this time, there's about thousands of thoughts that's been bugging her, thousands of questions that were left hanging and thousands of items to work on. 

If I could turn back time (and not scare my old self for popping out of the blue), I'd comfort her and tell her the things I know now.

It was a tough time. I know, I've been there. (Very funny.)

I was in the office again today,

I had a glimpse of what happened and how I was back then. And funny enough, the weather was also gloomy. 

There were visible differences though. Like... well... I wasn't as busy and drained as before (is it a yay or a nay?), my hair is currently gray-fading-into-blonde (again hehe), and I feel free and calmer now. 

My old self forgot a lot of things, or maybe it was shoved in the back of her mind. But I guess I can now say that she was quite optimistic - even at the worst times; she was someone who always fought and hoped for the best. 

Back then, I almost lost my colors and my "muchiness" (as Alice and the Mad Hatter talked about in the movie), I almost lost my voice and I lost focus on what matters more.

Regardless of age, I wrote so much about what's currently going on in my life. I get to see things differently as time passes; I get to laugh at a loooot of dumb moments or maybe get upset about how I realized most things a bit late. (As the saying goes, "Better late than never".) 

I had a looooot of rewiring to do; a lot of things I had to unlearn, things I had to drop and let go, thoughts to ignore, dates to erase, comments and opinions to shake off, and some other things that I now consider "nonsense". 

I've talked to people. I've talked to strangers. I've heard about some things and I've dreamt about some other stuff. (Yup, talk about strange coincidences.)

And I realized... that's how it is.

The answers I was looking for were always in front of me. 

The dedication I have for growth and my desire to learn were also always here; I just didn't have to listen to that voice. I didn't have to trust the twisted words and to take it straight to heart, like they wanted me to.

I still rant a lot. I talk/write a lot. Hence the lengthy posts. 

I get to enjoy (and experience) the things I loved and hoped for when I was younger. I get to enjoy moments with others.

I still get to dream more and live life. I'm even more open to try a lot of things lately. (Anyone wanna try scuba diving? lol) (Kidding aside, I also really wanna try solo traveling.)

I'm looking forward to what the next few weeks, months, or year(s) has in store for me.

But ah... Finally free. 

Finally clean. 

So what am I currently up to lately?

Well, the title says it all. 

I'm bringing in sexy back  exploring and also going back to my hobbies lately. There are a lot of things I put on "hiatus" since I put something else on my top five. (Yes, this is a teeny tiny reference from Taylor Swift's song called "Bejeweled".)

And by the way, I'm going out tonight. (Just another reference from Bejeweled, I'm not going out at this hour. It's midnight.)  

Lately, I've been reading books... Mostly self help-ish books for now, but I have a list of fiction works too! (Big thanks to Pauline!)

I'm halfway through "101 essays that will change the way you think" by Brianna West. I got this from Carlyn, who told me that she'll let me borrow this but surprise surprise, she bought it for me. To be honest, that book got me thinking. (Hahaha punny.)

I'm currently reading "101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties" by Paul Angone.

This book just gave me more questions to ponder about. Kidding aside, it's a really good read. I get to see some things in a different point of view. I'm planning to get my hands on his other book soon. 

And while we're on the topic, I am interested in writing at the moment. I have two novels in mind (and are waiting to come to life), I reopened my other Instagram account which will be a safe space for me to romanticize my life and speak my mind, I'm getting myself back into journaling aaaand of course, this blog. 

I really don't think I should just abandon this one since I spent my teenage years babbling about my activities, adventures and little moments - even if most weren't published. Long story short, Attamarie is a huge part of me. (Well... it should be. lol)

For crafts and art, I've been adding (more) colors to my life. And I've been creating stickers once in a while. I'm helping out my mom with her side hustle. 

When it comes to people, I'm really grateful for my family and friends too. Lookie here, special mention time: Samantha, the B1 to my B2 (🍌), who I've known since 3rd grade and has always been there for me. Natalie and Sophia, my best friends in senior high school. Online friends especially Aalia, Angeli, Pauline and my friends from work too!! 💜

Oh, I haven't mentioned that I went to this 1D event last month, and maaaaan, I felt like I was 14 again. I listened to the old artists I loved, hoping to see them live soon too. (OH. I gotta blog about the Jonas Brothers and Taylor Swift concert I went to earlier this year!!!)

my "lol ur not harry styles" shirt (and new-ish hair)

Mamma mia, here I go again: I'm talking about some of the things that make me happy and things that make me feel alive.

I'm healing myself by going back to the things I love and things I've always wanted to do/experience before. I'm free to do things now. (I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my *bleep*) 

Ending this blog post with another Taylor Swift lyric. :)

I'm the only one of me. Baby, that's the fun of me. (ME HE HE!)