This is Present-Nikka speaking -- or typing. 

Like all my other blog posts and letters to myself, I always talk about my realizations and the hard lessons I learned. I feel a lot better whenever I open up or talk about random stuff - whether to a friend, or a piece of paper, or even to a random app or site like this. 

I learned a lot of things for the past few months. I mean, I did a loooot of thinking - or as some would say, I was  only overthinking .

I could say that I woke up from a very long dream. A dream so blurry that I couldn't really see the other details I should've paid attention to, or I couldn't see because I'm not looking at the whole picture, or I was just too invested in the events and things that I used to consider great. 

Now, I'm taking a huge step. 

I don't want to keep having these negative emotions. I don't want to waste more time thinking badly about myself, I don't want to be influenced by others on how they view me and I don't want to let others decide how I am as a person. again. I don't want the negative things to have such an effect on me for a long time.

Their actions and their words towards you is a reflection of who they are. Those are not something you should measure yourself with because.... spoiler alert: This is your life and you decide your own worth. Not them.

Healing and getting over something takes a really long time. It's not always easy. There are little reminders that could sting you at random times. There are some things you just can't shrug off. There are still emotions that pop up randomly too. There are still a lot of never-ending questions that you never really got a direct response/explanation.

It sucks. I know. 

But I guess... that's life.

And for life lately, well... a lot of things happened. 

A lot of unexpected events: some chapters ended, some bridges burned and some tables turned. 

But there were also places you never thought you'd visit that soon, concerts that your younger self dreamed of going to, beautiful moments that no phone or any type of camera can capture, seasons that you thought you wouldn't be experiencing so soon , your growth (personality and career-wise) from the past few months, and the most genuine connections. And I want you to focus on those great things, yourself. (Currently writing about these as I speak... or type. lol)

I know, I know. I'm not one to forget easily. (don't give me that look. haha) But we can use that "skill" of yours. It can be a huge help for some moments… I guess. 

Well... with that being said, I am still learning from my mistakes - for the things I let in, the things I shrugged off most times, the things I shouldn't have a tight grip on and the things that are out of my hands. I'm still working on myself and actually "feeling" everything - so when the time comes, I am free from whatever that's been haunting me. 

With all the tears you've shed for the past few months and weeks... do know that it's going to be better. (psst. It did get better.) You might feel like it's taking too long but I'm sure that you'll be fine. :) 

Past self , it's almost 2025. 

I could say that you've improved a lot. You did so much and you did so well. You had a lot of things ticked off your bucket list this year. I know, 2024 is a rollercoaster ride. 

I'm writing this now, with some thoughts in mind. This is a small reminder of how true and selfless you were (/are). There are great things in life that await you. 

As they all say, there's always a rainbow after a huge storm. 

Create more memories, replace those that made you feel bad. Surround yourself with love and remove all those negative things that don't serve you joy. Don't worry too much, it's going to be figured out. You'll be fine. :) 

Merry Christmas! 

And let's be much better for the coming year.

Welcome home .

And it hits you. for the nth time.

So many thoughts, so many new experiences and it all leads to feeling like a lot of things in my life have been aligned. (Or is starting to.)

If a certain situation did not happen, maybe I wouldn't get to experience this side of life. Maybe I would spend years  only dreaming about this. 

Maybe I would have gotten stuck or lost.

Maybe I wouldn't have grown. Maybe I didn't get to realize a lot of things because well... you can't really see everything up close. 

Maybe I would've only focused on someone else's dreams or interests, rather than mine. Maybe they really didn't think of mine (my dreams, my thoughts, the path I was taking, my love and well... my whole self) as something just as important as theirs.

Maybe I would've only listened to their opinions rather than my heart (and my mind. or my imagination, as others would've probably described it.)

Or maybe I probably would've suppressed my feelings or stories a lot more. the usual. 

Or maybe I would've spent years wondering about the what ifs.

Well... everything you lose is a step you take. (Thank you, Taylor Swift)

I love talking about the most random things in life. I love talking about what I saw or some events.

I love sharing stories. (which made me love blogging). I hope when I tell someone about something, it wouldn't have to end up in an argument or something like having someone just do an "oh." or a "thumbs up" reaction on your long ass message about your feelings/stories that would end the conversation quickly.

I love new experiences - even though I'm scared of taking a huge step and I'm scared of huge changes. I love how it helps me "know" and build myself more.

I love growing. I don't want to be "watered down".

I don't want to be belittled. (Best believe I'm still bejeweled . *wink wink*) 

I love supportive and genuine people - I hope to be surrounded by more of them. I love being silly and laugh a lot, I love being around happy people too. and not competitive + negative ones. 

I love having something to look forward to in life. And I love enjoying (and documenting) very moments. (Take the moment and taste it, you've got no reason to be afraid.) (Thank you again, Taylor Swift.)

I am learning to look on the bright side of things as well. It took (or it's taking) me quite a long time but I'm glad to see a huge improvement. (Hope not to jinx it.) 

I think I'm doing better (and way happier) now. (Pls don't jinx it, self.) 

I think I'm finally clean.

4:11 a.m.

Good morning. And I'm going back to sleep. 

See you on my next blog post.

All the love,

Nikka.

--- 

11.21.24 update:

Two days ago, I received some really great news. I feel so blessed, really happy and really really thankful. 💛 

Dear past and future me (and to anyone reading),

I'm updating this blogpost to say that... everything works out. All good things happen to those who wait, those who do their best, those who never lose faith in Him, and those who don't hurt others intentionally.

You're okay. You're now doing so well after the storm you endured and went through for the past few months. 

I hope and wish for more good days. I hope to celebrate with genuine people who love and believe in me after all this time. 

(Note: Before anything else, I just woke up, it's 9 A.M and my thought process is a mess. Enjoy this little messy blogpost for now, will be updating this when I have already collected/organized my thoughts. And will insert photos or videos as soon as possible. haha. sorry, dear reader.)

-- 

This is my first time experiencing the fall season, and I couldn't stop gushing over everything (in my mind lol).

The leaves turning into brown and red, the cold weather (🥶), the beautiful orange hue that touches everything when the sun sets, the smell of the cold and not that polluted air (lol)... I love the details. I love observing. And it's definitely worth babbling about - hence this blogpost.  

I couldn't help but sing All Too Well (the 10 min version) whenever I see the autumn leaves. I couldn't put it in words but everything is way better than what I've imagined. 

I hope to remember this one all too well.

Also, I had so many realizations during the plane ride and also when I was alone in the backseat of the car. So many thoughts that I didn't mind not having internet/data at the time - my esim didn't work at first. hahaha

I was just thinking about how a lot of doors had opened after a huge plot twist in my twenties. (IN MY TWENTIES??? girl, are you 43???) And after I learned to let go of most things - that I didn't notice were a hindrance in my life.

As mentioned somewhere else (not sure which app), but I really felt like I've grown so much - I've learned a lot of lessons (some in a hard way), I'm slowly figuring out what I want in life, I'm still working on my skills when it comes to connecting with others outside my bubble but I could say that I'm doing better... I guess. (Hope I won't jinx this 🥲)

I'm so grateful that I get to experience this and with my family, hopefully there'll be more core memories for me to look back to. I had a short talk with Him before I fell asleep during the ride.

And I think... life indeed got better.

-- 

enjoy this little spotify playlist I created for fall: click here. 

So what am I currently up to lately?

Well, the title says it all. 

I'm bringing in sexy back  exploring and also going back to my hobbies lately. There are a lot of things I put on "hiatus" since I put something else on my top five. (Yes, this is a teeny tiny reference from Taylor Swift's song called "Bejeweled".)

And by the way, I'm going out tonight. (Just another reference from Bejeweled, I'm not going out at this hour. It's midnight.)  

Lately, I've been reading books... Mostly self help-ish books for now, but I have a list of fiction works too! (Big thanks to Pauline!)

I'm halfway through "101 essays that will change the way you think" by Brianna West. I got this from Carlyn, who told me that she'll let me borrow this but surprise surprise, she bought it for me. To be honest, that book got me thinking. (Hahaha punny.)

I'm currently reading "101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties" by Paul Angone.

This book just gave me more questions to ponder about. Kidding aside, it's a really good read. I get to see some things in a different point of view. I'm planning to get my hands on his other book soon. 

And while we're on the topic, I am interested in writing at the moment. I have two novels in mind (and are waiting to come to life), I reopened my other Instagram account which will be a safe space for me to romanticize my life and speak my mind, I'm getting myself back into journaling aaaand of course, this blog. 

I really don't think I should just abandon this one since I spent my teenage years babbling about my activities, adventures and little moments - even if most weren't published. Long story short, Attamarie is a huge part of me. (Well... it should be. lol)

For crafts and art, I've been adding (more) colors to my life. And I've been creating stickers once in a while. I'm helping out my mom with her side hustle. 

When it comes to people, I'm really grateful for my family and friends too. Lookie here, special mention time: Samantha, the B1 to my B2 (🍌), who I've known since 3rd grade and has always been there for me. Natalie and Sophia, my best friends in senior high school. Online friends especially Aalia, Angeli, Pauline and my friends from work too!! 💜

Oh, I haven't mentioned that I went to this 1D event last month, and maaaaan, I felt like I was 14 again. I listened to the old artists I loved, hoping to see them live soon too. (OH. I gotta blog about the Jonas Brothers and Taylor Swift concert I went to earlier this year!!!)

my "lol ur not harry styles" shirt (and new-ish hair)

Mamma mia, here I go again: I'm talking about some of the things that make me happy and things that make me feel alive.

I'm healing myself by going back to the things I love and things I've always wanted to do/experience before. I'm free to do things now. (I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my *bleep*) 

Ending this blog post with another Taylor Swift lyric. :)

I'm the only one of me. Baby, that's the fun of me. (ME HE HE!)

07/04/2024

Wow. . . time flies. We’re already halfway through the year 2024. The last time I published something on this blog was back in 2020. So yeah, I guess I could say that it’s been quite a while. 

To be honest, this is going to be (another) quite personal post. I hope I’m making sense with whatever I’ll be talking about. So, whoever is reading this… hi. If it’s my future self, well… hello. I hope you’re doing well and I hope you’re finally the better version of Nikka Marie. :)

The past few weeks have been uncomfortable for me. Hm, or maybe this was the uncomfiest (that's not even a word?) I’ve been. I’ve been stressed for a few months and I’ve got a lot of stuff going on inside my head - questions, thoughts, the never ending “what ifs” and “could’ve beens”, what does the future hold for me, am I on the right path, and a lot more. 

It’s like you’re suddenly somewhere in the forest and you’re bad at directions. You had a map back then but unfortunately, that map isn’t that readable anymore as it got torn to pieces - because of the rain. How do I get out? Or how can I get out?

Do you wait for people to look for you? Do you scream until you’re heard and someone finds you? Well, you can scream for help. Asking for help is good too.

Guess what? You forgot something, self.

You’re good at remembering details. And you pay attention to a lot of things.

And that’s one of the things I like about me. 

—

I spent the past hour reading my old blog posts and the drafts I wrote when I was holding on to some strong feelings back in 2016-2019. Reading my old blogs got me thinking much more, to be honest. I’m glad I got to write about most things.

Nikka during her early teenage years was always someone unique. She’s intimidating, I’d say. She’s strong, she’s creative, she’s witty, she’s openminded, she’s not afraid to say what’s on her mind and she knows who she is. She started blogging and writing stories online at this age. She’s nice but she can be harsh, and man, she can fight. She’s got quite a temper, and it’s quite obvious if she doesn’t like someone or something. 

If I could describe her using a color, I’d say she’s. . . probably purple? Or a darker shade of pink? 

But I did notice that there were a few changes in my late teenage years. 

At 16 and 17, this Nikka was exposed to a large number of people in class. She chose a different path and that was a great decision. She made friends, she went out of her bubble (well, I’d say). She didn’t feel like her new classmates and schoolmates found her intimidating, which was good. I could approach others with ease and I showed my heart on my sleeve. (wow.) 

She’s still shy but she’s open to meet new people and connect with them. She’s still creative, but she stopped writing stories and had less time to draw. She’s still witty, she laughs a lot more. She fell in love and also cherished a lot of people. She’s selfless. She’s nice and she doesn’t like conflict. She’s warm but somehow became too “soft”. She changed in so many ways that I can’t really explain. She gets upset but forgives and forgets about it too easily. She’s a thinker. She always tries to understand everything. She hates blaming herself and hates being blamed. She doesn’t like making mistakes and making others feel bad —  she hates that. Like everyone, she hates every negative thing. And kinda it sucks because she remembers stuff all too well.

Now, if I could describe her with a color, well. . . I don’t think there’s an exact color to describe this kid. Maybe anything in pastel and soft colors would fit her. She’s too “colorful” to be described with just one color. Sabi nga sakin, naglalakad na pastel color ako eh. 

Moving forward, we have 18-19 year old Nikka. Oh man, where do I start?

At this age, she went through a lot - both good and bad. There were messy thoughts, messy events, messy feelings and… a messy desk. Plus, college came in the picture. 

Being a new kid in a big university was really scary. New people, new place and somehow, a new life. She made a few friends and was exposed to different people. She became more introverted and sensed that some found her intimidating. She was alone, but not that lonely. She was at peace with her “me time”. Maybe it’s just her not being able to control her facial reactions or maybe she just wasn’t that comfortable (yet). She wasn’t that confident at this time, due to a lot of reasons. (sigh)

There were thoughts about the path she took - Is this really what I want? Was that person right about me not being a perfect “fit” in this field and place? What if I was a Multimedia Arts student? Would I excel in that field? What if they were right? What if I was wrong? What if this is not the right place? What if this isn’t for me?

And as hectic as college was, she still managed to balance real life and her love for art. 

She found herself little by little and through different forms. She’s still and will always be creative. She knows her limits. She knows and accepted her weaknesses, she tries (/is still trying) to work on it. She can fight and stand up for herself at times, but she’s still too “soft” for all of it. She knows when to distance herself. She became more of a thinker. She’s more understanding at this age - or she tries harder to understand things more. She expresses herself better through art or writing. 

Her definition of love and life has always been the same. Trying to look at the positive side as always, even though a lot of things happened. Trying to work things out and improve. I guess this Nikka was definitely a yellow… butterscotch yellow. Not too dark, not too dull and not too light. 

And now we have Nikka in her early 20s. Ganap na adult na tayo.

I won’t dive into details about what I do but hey, I got a job connected to the course I took in college! :D 

I started working 4 months after my graduation because I waited for this opportunity. I prayed for this and now, I’m here. I’m growing and I’ve been working hard. (Wow, re-reading that sentence makes me SO proud of myself) And I get to treat myself and my loved ones. I get to help out as well, try and eat good food, experience new things and save up. But still, there’s more to life. 

In this age, I lost some people in my life. Of course, you get sad over these events… but you can always cherish the moments you spent with them - whether it was eating peanut butter and jelly sandwich with them, opening up to them about your old crush while they were knitting, seeing them dance every Christmas and birthdays, being with them at the mall with the rest of the family, visiting them, sharing books and interests, listening to certain artists or playing video games, or maybe even as simple as sitting next to them. 

I also lost time for doing activities that make me… “me”. I miss having time to create digital art, I miss reading books, I miss painting, I miss cooking a certain dish, I miss writing (hopefully I get to blog more after this) and a lot more. Hopefully one of these days, I get to do it all again. I just need time. and energy. 

I’m not sure if I could describe my current self using a color. Lately, I’ve been feeling greige and red, as I’m still a work in progress and I feel every single emotion too intensely. 

I’m still working on my strengths and weaknesses. I still can’t and won’t dance but I can play the piano and kalimba. I’m a listener, a thinker but still not much of a talker. I’m still that introvert but I’ll get there. (Look at me surviving 5+ hours straight meetings. lol) I get stressed out but I’m learning. I get confused and tired too but I’m growing. I know that I did and I am doing my best. I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection and realizing a lot of things. I’ve always been selfless. I’m understanding and I care a lot. I have a lot of feelings. I am full of love and I will continue giving my heart to my favorite people.

And of course, me. 

I guess that’s it. This is a reaaaaaaaallllyyyyyyy looooooooooong reflection. Ending this blog post now. :)

If you got stuck in the middle of the nowhere, try looking back. Trace your steps until you find your way out. 

How did you get here in the first place? 

You walked. 

- Nikka.

P.S. nikka marie, proofread mo ito next time. antok na ako. lol.