I've run out of witty captions and titles but my heart is full. :) 

I loooove going out every weekend - not to party or anything (lol). I look forward to eating something good, spending time with my family and friends, treating them a little something, and of course, getting off work & recharging for the upcoming week. 

It's nice when the week passes and I've been quite productive, I was able to finish a lot of things. I've been more confident in my skills, I'd say. I still have those moments where everything seems new to me at work and I'm experiencing another "learning curve" but I feel... great. (pls pls pls don't jinx it, shoo shoo negative energy) 

This March, I've got some new memories to look back to, some thoughts that make me want to write a novel about (again), and a lot of things (and people) to be thankful for.

(Did I mention that I've been practicing my driving skills? Thanks, mom and dad!! And guess what? I can even parallel park. :p)

March 8th, Saturday,

I spent the first Saturday with my mom, my aunt and my cousin to watch the pyromusical. But we went to a different mall instead lol. :)

March 9th, Sunday,

I was out with Natalie, my best friend since senior high school. We bonded through coffee and chicken wings. :p 

Natalie is someone you’d love to hang out with, whether it’s bonding through drinks, watching movies or going to karaoke and arcades, or maybe even just walking around the mall. There’s never a dull moment for me. Being with her makes me feel like I’m still a happy, carefree teenager. We can be silly, we can talk, laugh and joke about anything, until our eyes tear up or our jaws hurt from all the laughing. It’s crazy how fast time flies… now, we’re currently 25 years old. 

We often talk about our senior high school days and the great memories we had together. I’ve been writing about it for quite a while now and maybe I’d share it someday so I can talk about it more… well, once it’s done. (I’m currently listening to Ribs by Lorde. Maaaaan, this song fits so well.) 

Natalie, if you ever see this, edi hello. 🤪 

March 15th, Saturday,

I finally met Pauline!!! We’ve been (internet) friends since we were in college and I could say that we got closer because of our interests, art and writings. And here we are, seven years later, we finally had the chance to meet/see each other personally. :)

Pauline is the friend that you feel safe and cozy with. There’s this pau-sitive (see what i did there haha) aura around her. She’s so full of light, so warm, so smart and so sweet. I adore how approachable she is, it's so easy to connect with her. Like I’ve said, this is our first meeting, but I feel very comfortable already. 

We spent the day at the mall. We ate at Peri-Peri (it was so goooood), went to stationery stores, the arcade and the bookstore. Then had avocado ice cream before going home. (it was good too! ;-;) We talked about certain things, music and kdramas, books… I really adore how open-minded she is. :)

Oh! She gave me pretty flowers! Which reminded me of the kdrama she recommended, 2521, the scene where Hee Do and Yu Rim met for the first time. 

Ah... I hope to meet and bond with her again soon. :) 

March 16th, Sunday,

My mom and I went to church in the morning. :)

And around 2 in the afternoon, I was with my best friend, Samantha. We went to two cafés to catch-up, to "play" the Comfort Cards, and of course, to enjoy good food.

Sam is my best friend. I've known her for... let me count... 16-ish years? We've been friends since the 3rd grade and had our "cool off"/distant moments back in middle school. And eventually got in touch again around 9th grade. 

We also went to the same school for Senior High. We used to bond by eating out at the mall after class and basically, talking about life and little moments. 

Years had passed, but it never changed. We never changed. :') 

Sam's one of the strongest people I know. She's like an older sister to me. Her maturity, her mind, her strength and her soft heart are some of the things that'll definitely leave a mark on you. 

I love how we can be free, honest, supportive and transparent with one another. I love how there's no judgement for every thought spilled. I love how low maintenance we are and how deep our connection is...

Ah.. I love our friendship. (I could go on babbling about this. ;-;)

The next weekend(s), well.... I was catching up zzzs and did some (junk) journaling. I've also been reading The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins, which is a prequel to The Hunger Games trilogy. I loved the movie and am looking forward to read Haymitch's story in Sunrise on the Reaping. 

It feels so good to still be in touch with the activities, movies and books that I loved since I was younger. 

I had some (nice) thoughts in mind... I wasn't alone nor lonely. I never was. 

Before, I was too focused on something else, who/which made me feel and think so. My bad. We shouldn't dwell on the negative moments.

It also reminded me of a quote by Esther Earl, a girl I used to read about - thanks to John Green. 

"Just be happy, and if you can't be happy, do things that make you happy. Or do nothing with the people that make you happy."

Ah... I am so grateful for my friends. I'm happy to meet and be surrounded by these amazing people. I realized a lot while I was writing on my journal and after answering the comfort cards with Sam. 

I am looking forward to meet a few more soon!! I hope we get to schedule perfectly. 🤞🏻

Year 2018.

I was a freshman. 

I was an Information Technology student. I was referred to as that shy girl with braces during the first two years of college... Paolo told me about it.

For the first few days of class, I did my best to be less introverted. I remember initiating a small talk with Jenina during the orientation... I really felt nice when she brought it up in the conversation, I saw that as an accomplishment. haha

I guess I somehow keep losing the "confidence" of going out of my bubble whenever someone tells me that I'm too quiet. I don't blame them though, it was my fault that I took it as a bad thing. I felt like being soft and quiet is a weakness I'll never get over.

quick snap taken in 2018.

Another thing I had in mind was the thoughts (and/or doubts) of my own skills. 

I was torn between taking up Information Technology or Multimedia Arts for college. 

I wanted to create different forms of art and I wanted to be an animator. But at the same time, I feel like I would've wasted two years of education if I chose that path...

I used to talk about it to this person. As a girl who remembers every tiny detail in life, I could never forget the words they used in our conversation. This is a reminder to choose your words wisely.

They told me that this course I took was not meant for me and I am not a great fit for this path. (Ouch.)

They asked me why did I choose this path. And told me that if I don't have any inspiration, I'm definitely bound to have a hard time. (Very reassuring, I know.)

They told me that interest is different from passion. (True.) And I should be wise in choosing as it would affect my future. (Also true.)

I used to walk around the campus by myself, by choice. I do that to organize my thoughts and to get ready for the next classes, especially if it's those certain classes wherein the professor randomly picks a student to present. (I'm always the lucky one who gets called so... you probably get my point by now.) 

If I'm not strolling around, you'll probably find me doodling (or taking a nap 😆) in the library or in the chapel. When I couldn’t sit still or am too worried about some moments, I found peace inside the chapel.

The Chapel. Photo taken around 2019.

My usual seat. Photo taken around 2019.

Year 2019.

I got out of my shell little by little when I exposed my creative side. This was the year I got back to my art roots, and I felt supported by the people around me. :) I'm so grateful.

I had this quick conversation with my Rizal subj professor. He saw me doodling and complimented my work. He also asked me to draw him so that he can have an artwork made by me... something he can brag about in the future since he sees a bright one for me. :((((( 

Of course, I gotta talk about the swimming classes too. 

Photo taken on our last day of swimming classes :p

To be very honest, this was one of the classes that I did not look forward to ever since I got into the university. I was too scared. 

But I have to survive: I did my best to not drown every session and I did my best to get good grades. 

I'm really grateful for my classmates for helping me out. Especially to my friend who waited for me when I got the sermon of my life while I was doing back strokes across the pool. (It sounds funny, I know. 🥲) I appreciate you/them a lot... I don't think I got the chance to tell them personally. 

Year 2020-2022.

The pandemic happened. 

no filter. i love how this quick snap turned out

This was the last memory I have before classes were suspended and before lockdown. This was after P.E class and we were about to go home.

The years passed too quickly as the classes were only held online. Sayang din because I was already in my third year. I wanted to meet my new classmates. I wanted to meet new people.

After two years of onsite classes, the next time I was in the university was… for our grad pictorial. (if I remember correctly) 🥲

Fast forward to 2022, I was applying for internship in this great company. I'd say my application went well and was offered for a job. I was ecstatic!!! 

But... I couldn't jump to that position yet, graduation was a few months away and I needed 300 hours to render for the internship.

Long story short, I applied to a different company wherein we mostly handled web development and PHP related activities. :)

And I graduated college!

BIT11's shy girl with braces, out! (2022)

since first year

:) with Paolo, Alexis and Seth

Year 2025. 

January.

We went to the university to get my yearbook before going to my uncle's house. 

I was excited to drop by. I saw it as a chance to appreciate the past, hence the blog post.

I had so much thoughts, so much memories and so much feelings. These were some of the things I have in mind:

"This was where we used to drink coffee, eat kwek kwek and fries." 

"This was where I used to eat noodles!" 

"This was where I used to buy ice scramble!"

"This was the Kulpy Chicken I looked forward eating!" (But didn't get to eat much of it though. 🥲) (And unfortunately, it was closed when we were there :( )

"This is where I wait for the taho!" (Sad... I never got to try the strawberry taho...)

"This is where I took photos for my math assignment... and where I found the pretty butterfly."

"This is where we ran a few laps, and this is where I stayed before swimming classes started."

"This is where I spent most of my vacant hours." 

… I was here again. 

I was standing inside the chapel. I wasn't able to stay for a while, but I'm glad I got to see it again. (This is probably the last time too... I don't think I have any reason to go back to the university.) 

Years ago, I used to sit on the left side, near the window. I didn't really get to attend the masses held there but since it was always open, I got a lot of time to talk to Him. And every time I do, I feel lighter and better.

I had goosebumps thinking about the old times... The situations I was in, how I handled it, how I was back then and now.

Which is basically the reason why I wrote another lengthy blog post... I had realizations over my short-lived college life. 

Though I do have regrets about the two (well... face-to-face) years. I wish I enjoyed my experience more... I wish I didn't have to think about someone else's opinions about me. I should've let it all go. (Just like how I stapled the year 2018 in my old journal. haha.)

But I'm keeping all of these in mind for whatever the future holds for me. And to not repeat the things I did. 

I'm still here reminiscing the old days and am able to feel okay now... You know as they say, time flies and time heals.

I no longer see my softness as a weakness.

Oh and guess what?

I'm currently working as a programmer at the first company I mentioned earlier. I just celebrated my second year anniversary. 

Oh life, you're really full of surprises.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses. 

I'm not married. also not engaged. 

I'm just someone with a looooot of thoughts. And after attending two weddings this month, here goes another personal blog post. 

Weddings are so darn beautiful, man.

I’m not one to cry during events but seeing the magic and beauty of weddings up close: being surrounded by happy and supportive (and some nervous) guests, the slow songs that fit really well during the special moments, the smiles and precious tears amongst the family, hearing the vows shared by the couple and the look of love between them… it made me tear up. 

Before the wedding

We stayed at Vendali, which was in Bulacan. The entire family bonded through eating good food, playing cards, drinking coffee and some went swimming. And by 10 P.M, we started preparing for the things we needed for the pictorial and of course, for the big event. 

It was busy. Yep. Everyone was busy.

I only slept for 2 hours - it’s a good thing that I’m quite used to staying late and not getting loooong hours of sleep. Makeup prep started around 1 A.M, pictorial started around 3 A.M-ish, we were at the church by 7:30, I think? Then the ceremony started around 8 A.M. 

The wedding

I did wonder about what the others felt before and during the day. Of course, everyone’s excited and everyone’s been looking forward to this moment, especially the couple. And they’re probably nervous too. (Well, I was quite nervous. I’m not even the one who’s getting married, why am I nervous? hahaha) 

Or maybe I was nervous because it was my first time being a bridesmaid. (Is anyone else out there who’s getting married soon? I volunteer as a bridesmaid. 😗)

As an observer, I had a moment to appreciate the structure and the intricate designs around the church - and also what the wedding coordinators and the couple picked. Maybe I’ll talk about it more in a little while… or maybe I’ll just talk about it in a draft. 

I didn’t have my phone or camera with me during the ceremony. So enjoy these quick snaps I took towards the end, before we went to the venue where the reception was held. 

the bridesmaids

The Reception

I couldn't help but continuously gush over how beautiful the event was. 

Similar to what I said earlier, I really appreciate the designs, details and every bit of the wedding. It was soooo special. 

The event started with the host's introduction, then followed by a quick game, which were questions about the couple. Then followed by the entrance of the newly wed - oh gosh, they are so cute. I won't dive in with most details for now.

Another thing I was nervous about was the portion for both groomsmen and bridesmaids. It has been mentioned a few months or weeks ago, how we (girls) would be dancing. HAHAHA well... I'm definitely not a dancer. 

first time to try the cocktail. 😋

Food was good too. Then watched the wedding traditions - yep, the audience were in tears again. 🥹

After the event, we stayed at Balay ni Rosa, which was also in Bulacan. Everyone was tired that when we got in our rooms, we all took a nap. hahaha! 

But ah… You can say that this was definitely added to my core memories. And I am definitely looking forward for more family events.  

I was so touched and inspired that I already picked out some of the songs I'd love to hear when the time comes. (Yes, I made a Spotify playlist already.) 

This is Present-Nikka speaking -- or typing. 

Like all my other blog posts and letters to myself, I always talk about my realizations and the hard lessons I learned. I feel a lot better whenever I open up or talk about random stuff - whether to a friend, or a piece of paper, or even to a random app or site like this. 

I learned a lot of things for the past few months. I mean, I did a loooot of thinking - or as some would say, I was  only overthinking .

I could say that I woke up from a very long dream. A dream so blurry that I couldn't really see the other details I should've paid attention to, or I couldn't see because I'm not looking at the whole picture, or I was just too invested in the events and things that I used to consider great. 

Now, I'm taking a huge step. 

I don't want to keep having these negative emotions. I don't want to waste more time thinking badly about myself, I don't want to be influenced by others on how they view me and I don't want to let others decide how I am as a person. again. I don't want the negative things to have such an effect on me for a long time.

Their actions and their words towards you is a reflection of who they are. Those are not something you should measure yourself with because.... spoiler alert: This is your life and you decide your own worth. Not them.

Healing and getting over something takes a really long time. It's not always easy. There are little reminders that could sting you at random times. There are some things you just can't shrug off. There are still emotions that pop up randomly too. There are still a lot of never-ending questions that you never really got a direct response/explanation.

It sucks. I know. 

But I guess... that's life.

And for life lately, well... a lot of things happened. 

A lot of unexpected events: some chapters ended, some bridges burned and some tables turned. 

But there were also places you never thought you'd visit that soon, concerts that your younger self dreamed of going to, beautiful moments that no phone or any type of camera can capture, seasons that you thought you wouldn't be experiencing so soon , your growth (personality and career-wise) from the past few months, and the most genuine connections. And I want you to focus on those great things, yourself. (Currently writing about these as I speak... or type. lol)

I know, I know. I'm not one to forget easily. (don't give me that look. haha) But we can use that "skill" of yours. It can be a huge help for some moments… I guess. 

Well... with that being said, I am still learning from my mistakes - for the things I let in, the things I shrugged off most times, the things I shouldn't have a tight grip on and the things that are out of my hands. I'm still working on myself and actually "feeling" everything - so when the time comes, I am free from whatever that's been haunting me. 

With all the tears you've shed for the past few months and weeks... do know that it's going to be better. (psst. It did get better.) You might feel like it's taking too long but I'm sure that you'll be fine. :) 

Past self , it's almost 2025. 

I could say that you've improved a lot. You did so much and you did so well. You had a lot of things ticked off your bucket list this year. I know, 2024 is a rollercoaster ride. 

I'm writing this now, with some thoughts in mind. This is a small reminder of how true and selfless you were (/are). There are great things in life that await you. 

As they all say, there's always a rainbow after a huge storm. 

Create more memories, replace those that made you feel bad. Surround yourself with love and remove all those negative things that don't serve you joy. Don't worry too much, it's going to be figured out. You'll be fine. :) 

Merry Christmas! 

And let's be much better for the coming year.

Welcome home .

And it hits you. for the nth time.

So many thoughts, so many new experiences and it all leads to feeling like a lot of things in my life have been aligned. (Or is starting to.)

If a certain situation did not happen, maybe I wouldn't get to experience this side of life. Maybe I would spend years  only dreaming about this. 

Maybe I would have gotten stuck or lost.

Maybe I wouldn't have grown. Maybe I didn't get to realize a lot of things because well... you can't really see everything up close. 

Maybe I would've only focused on someone else's dreams or interests, rather than mine. Maybe they really didn't think of mine (my dreams, my thoughts, the path I was taking, my love and well... my whole self) as something just as important as theirs.

Maybe I would've only listened to their opinions rather than my heart (and my mind. or my imagination, as others would've probably described it.)

Or maybe I probably would've suppressed my feelings or stories a lot more. the usual. 

Or maybe I would've spent years wondering about the what ifs.

Well... everything you lose is a step you take. (Thank you, Taylor Swift)

I love talking about the most random things in life. I love talking about what I saw or some events.

I love sharing stories. (which made me love blogging). I hope when I tell someone about something, it wouldn't have to end up in an argument or something like having someone just do an "oh." or a "thumbs up" reaction on your long ass message about your feelings/stories that would end the conversation quickly.

I love new experiences - even though I'm scared of taking a huge step and I'm scared of huge changes. I love how it helps me "know" and build myself more.

I love growing. I don't want to be "watered down".

I don't want to be belittled. (Best believe I'm still bejeweled . *wink wink*) 

I love supportive and genuine people - I hope to be surrounded by more of them. I love being silly and laugh a lot, I love being around happy people too. and not competitive + negative ones. 

I love having something to look forward to in life. And I love enjoying (and documenting) very moments. (Take the moment and taste it, you've got no reason to be afraid.) (Thank you again, Taylor Swift.)

I am learning to look on the bright side of things as well. It took (or it's taking) me quite a long time but I'm glad to see a huge improvement. (Hope not to jinx it.) 

I think I'm doing better (and way happier) now. (Pls don't jinx it, self.) 

I think I'm finally clean.

4:11 a.m.

Good morning. And I'm going back to sleep. 

See you on my next blog post.

All the love,

Nikka.

--- 

11.21.24 update:

Two days ago, I received some really great news. I feel so blessed, really happy and really really thankful. 💛 

Dear past and future me (and to anyone reading),

I'm updating this blogpost to say that... everything works out. All good things happen to those who wait, those who do their best, those who never lose faith in Him, and those who don't hurt others intentionally.

You're okay. You're now doing so well after the storm you endured and went through for the past few months. 

I hope and wish for more good days. I hope to celebrate with genuine people who love and believe in me after all this time.